So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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