On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
