I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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