She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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