Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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