we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
