I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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