i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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