I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
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You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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