There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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