I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
