from now on my penis is your penis
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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