There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
