Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
