Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
