Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
