His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
