shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
