My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just invented taco cereal.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
there is glitter all over my balls
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
