He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He told me they were just razor bumps!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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