WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
