Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
