It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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