OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
