did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
