we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
