Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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