Have you finally orgasmed yet?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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