'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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