Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize