she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you win again, gameday.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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