Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
