white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
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bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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