remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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