Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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