Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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