It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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