just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
