I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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