You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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