the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
