Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
