My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
