My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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