I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
