it wasn't lemon gatorade
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
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whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
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Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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