I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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