I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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