Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
well you can't waste a boner
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
