More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
