Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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