You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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