Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
