i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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