dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
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I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
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I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just high enough for therapy.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?