I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home