We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
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I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
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I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni