The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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