i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
